I was torn between two decisions. Two destinations. Two feelings. Two things. Two options. Two great experiences. Both with lots of pros and very few cons on either side. I had interest in both and whichever I chose would be damn good to me. Then I heard “Look at the way your face just lit up!!! Do that one” and it hit me like a ton of bricks....I needed to start doing the things that made my face light up.
As a recovering people pleaser its tough choosing to do, be, or have the things that I want without the fear of what others will think. My stomach use to ache when I felt people were mad at me. I use to cry at the thought that my actions could be the reason someone was upset with me. My face lighting up wasnt my concern, my face not welling up into tears was.....until.....
I was behind the bar at Nourish Raleigh serving up “shakes and shenanigans” and I was telling two customers about a decision I had to make about two functions that were going on at the same time and I was torn with which one I should choose to attend. I described one with the details of the event and how important it would be to someone else if I attended and even disclosed how I was sure I would have a good time, then I described the second event. Those details consisted of adjectives that made me grin from ear to ear. The excitement on my face was felt by everyone in the room. I could barely contain the feeling I felt towards the second event. I was jumping up and down as I spoke, I was doing every hand motion possible to emphasize my words and the two people listening said in unison “youre decision is already made—-go to the second one”. Then I heard “Look at the way your face lit up—wow”. That statement struck a nerve in me because I started to think about how many times I chose to do the thing that DID NOT make my face light up. It launched a season of reflection and made me think about how every decision I made for the most part had someone else approval attached to it and my face lighting up was rarely a factor. Why was that? A sense of not feeling worthy was definitely apart of it (ill go deep into my self worth during another blog) but also fear. What if what I was deciding to do was the absolute wrong thing to do. Although my face lit up like a Christmas tree, what if what I was deciding to do had high risk consequences attached to it and I wouldnt be able to recover from it. What if what made my face light up dimmed someone else light. I wouldnt be able to deal with myself. All these “what if” questions would stop me dead in my tracks and make the safe decision or take the input from others to alter the route I really wanted to take. As a soon to be thirty year old who values the opinion of those who have come before me my face lighting up wasnt a priority because obviously they know more than I do—im just a youngin trying to figure it out. So moving through life I have always second guessed what I wanted if it didnt align with someone else's thought process of what I needed. Until my face lighting up was mentioned. The way Kylie looked at me when she saw how I looked—(-follow the visual)—made me realize I needed to make sure my face lit up at all times. She was shocked at my look yet happy with what she saw. This meant to me I didnt show this blissfuly lighten face often enough. This showed me when I was really doing the things Kee loved and adored my true self appeared. This revealed that when I talked about the things that mattered to me most without the worry of what others thought, I had a spark about me and that my beautiful smile light up a room. While I value the opinions of others it didnt mean I needed to devalue my own. I owed the world my brightly lit up face and in that moment I made a promise to myself I would only do the things that made me stay current on this debt.
with Love and Light,